Favorite Jokes

1. A Buddhist walks up to a hot-dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."

2. When a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?

3. Q: Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
   A: They taste funny!

4. My top four favorite things to do on the starship Enterprise are:
   4. Put banana peels on the transporter pads just before the landing party beams back.
   3. Plug Nintendo cartridges into Mr. Data.
   2. Use the shuttlecraft for skeet shooting.
   1. Replace the self-destruct computer sequence with the Final Jeopardy song.

5. Q: What is the primary use of cowhide?
   A: To hold cows together.

6. The hot-dog vendor prepares a hot dog with the works and hands it to the Buddhist, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in his cash box and closes the lid. "Where is my change?" asks the Buddhist. The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."

7. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright before you hear them speak.

8. Q: Why did the Buddhist refuse Novocain when having a tooth pulled?
   A: He wanted to transcend dental medication.

9. I was obsessive-compulsive until I wrote, "I will not be obsessive-compulsive," one thousand times.

10. Some real-life puns:
    • When we played hearts at lunch everyday, one member of our group became addicted. She became despondent and anxious when we didn't play. It was so bad, we told her she needed to seek professional help—a cardiologist for her hearts problem.

    • Auntie-ergonomic keyboard. The note says, "Abandon Hope All Ye Who Press Enter Here."

      My aunt's family gave me a computer keyboard that is completely blank. None of the keys are labeled. Because it is hard to use and my aunt's family gave it to me, it is my auntie-ergonomic keyboard.
    • I used to hold a monthly dinner at a Chinese restaurant. We called it the Lo Mein Event. When the farewell dinner of the series was held, Judy Horn named it the Ciao Mein Event.
    • One of the best puns I have seen in a news headline was for a story about some athletes who were suing the innocent Internet service providers of some rogues who published illicitly made video of the athletes naked in locker rooms. The court rejected the suit, and the headline read "Naked Athletes Rebuffed."
    • There was a restaurant in Salem, New Hampshire, named Metastasis. That is an odd name, but it grows on you.

Why is there a big "No Reading" sign at the Andover, Massachusetts, public library? Take a look.

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Compilation © copyright 1996 by Eric Postpischil. Photograph © copyright 2001 by Eric Postpischil.